The Sideline Observer

Sports and Culture Commentary

Disney on Knights

The Greatest Show On Ice?

Somewhere, Ovechkin is shivering in his skates.

Many described the performance as “daunting,” “an unprecedented performance on ice,” and “strange.”

Of course we are talking about the cinematic and artistic experience that was the

pregame show of game one of the Stanley Cup.

It had knights, wizards, fire, Vegas, and mild adult content (violence). Somewhat reminiscent of Chaz Michael-Michaels’ “Grublets on Ice” performance in Blades of Glory. If you thought that a live musical performance by Lil Jon was more than enough to rally a grossly intoxicated Knights’ crowd, you don’t know Vegas.

There appeared to be a lot of moving parts of this whole cultural performance. The conflict between a group of “Capitals” (on brooms ? are they wizards?) against a lone Golden Knight appeared to be in Washington’s favor due to the Knight being outnumbered.

We were wrong.

The Golden Knights’ god-esque narrator within the arena proclaimed that the Capitals have attacked the fortress that is the T-Mobile Arena. Side note: if the T-Mobile Arena is comparable to a fortress, what is the Vegas Hooters Hotel and Resort? A Kingdom? I’m sure

Jon Gruden knows the answer to that question.

Suddenly, the Knight was met with reinforcements. In just moments, a catapult slung an unidentified flying object at the broom-mounted-capitals and an array and archers appeared and rained down flaming arrows to achieve aerial supremacy within the arena.

Then it came down to one lone Capital against the plastic armored Golden Knight. The Knight rose his sword with such moxie and spunk that even myself sitting in Maryland felt the cold touch his styrofoam weapon. I knew the Golden Knight was ready for war.

In no time, a full Disney on Ice show commenced and the two soldiers engaged in an epic duel. Much to Washington Fans’ dismay, the Knight proved to be a valiant warrior and conquered his foe.

Michael Buffer then appeared like a prophet, and announced out the Golden Knights’ lineup as if they were the 12 Apostles. Adam Lambert even showed up. No one was really sure what to make of that.

Possible Ideas for Pre Game Show in Washington?

  • Capture Adam Lambert and hold him hostage (real magician, may be hard to get a hands on)
  • DC Mayor Muriel Bowser shotguns a four loko and attempts to read off her phone to announce the Capitals’ lineup (a lot of hard names to say, could provoke some laughs by Muriel (Good PR move?))
  • Some kind of White House Sending Drone Strikes against a Golden Knight “Fortress’ (too political/too soon?)

We will have to see what the Capitol One Arena has in store. It will most likely will be that dog who does tricks and catches frisbees.

-Mason

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *