The Hogs

The Hogs is a nickname steeped in team history – it harkens back to the glory days of the team, when offensive lineman like Russ Grimm, Joe Jacoby, and Mark May were dominant in the trenches, leading the Burgundy and Gold to their three Super Bowl titles. It’s tough, it’s rough, and it’s easy to get behind.

The Military

It might be problematic to worship the military more than we already do, but it’s certainly a step up from overt racism. Maybe a more militant attitude in the locker room and from leadership could lead to a less-awful product on the field. Given that the team is currently 1-7, it’s also pretty similar to the success of our military of late.

The Josh Johnsons

Giants at Redskins 12/09/18

Often the best team names are the most intimidating ones. Josh Johnson, the greatest QB of 2018, is perhaps one of the most menacing NFL players of all time. Sporting a 57.1% completion rate to go along with a whopping 29 first downs and 67 sack yards in his short stint with Washington, Johnson is the gold standard for the revolving door of Washington QBs. Maybe along with this name-change we could create a new stat: WAJJ (Wins Against Josh Johnson) which would generally imply whether or not the team should stick with a given quarterback. 

The Garnckleflamps

This name has two separate sections, fused together in a harmony that could be positively consequential for the team. Garnckle depicts the ragged group of players that have defined Washington football over the last decade – a group of hardworking, hardly successful, mediocre players without much direction or leadership. The flamp exposes CEO Dan Snyder’s aptitude for weak decisions, kicking good people out of leadership positions within the franchise, and pathetic public appearance after pathetic public appearance. Garnckleflamp just has a ring to it, and I think it fits the team pretty perfectly.

The Snyders

Speaking of Darth Snyder, why don’t we just call things like they are? Every poor decision in the franchise’s last 20 years has origins rooted in Snyder’s office, so might as well slap his ugly face on the helmets in order to make him fully accountable for the product on the field. Maybe his egotistical self will support a name change if it’s in the name of increasing personal brand.


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