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With “Toosie Slide,” Drake took the last remaining glimpse of his lust that was largely put to death on “Views” and punched it in the mouth. After enduring massive Ls against Pusha T’s disses and underage children’s sex appeal, rap’s biggest star is now a shell of himself, lazily kicking and sliding around his mansion as if he’s used to performing at a bar mitzvah instead of his stadium shows.

Fans may fight back with the argument that he’s made similar tracks before for fame, but not even “One Dance” lacked the energy this one did. Sure, during the Jamaican-Drake phase of 2016, Drake was an imposter almost as bad as Elvis stealing “You Ain’t Nothing But a Hound Dog.” But even then, he was singing for the clubs and not for TikTok during a worldwide quarantine. Donning a fake accent and cultural background is one thing popular music has deemed acceptable, but that’s a whole other issue — the problem here is that he’s just not trying at all.

That might be the track’s only redeeming value — Drake seems to be acknowledging in the face of dignity and artistic license that this song could only be for a cheap pick-me-up during a time we all could use one. But even then, such a lazy attempt at doing so just makes it seem like he’s not really feeling all that bad for anyone as he jaunts about his mansion, wearing a thief’s mask, signifying stealing the time of anyone watching the video. He’d be right.

So, in this time of need, check The Sideline’s Quarantunes, or just dance to Megan Thee Stallion instead of whichever clown stepped into the Drake costume in 2020. Please, for the love of anything holy, don’t give him any more streams. It’ll just churn out more of these offensively lackadaisical snoozers.

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